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A few weeks ago I was speaking for a group of new high school grads a couple of times, and just before the first session I met some of the students. One guy (we’ll call him Tim) introduced himself, then asked what I thought was a good name for a boy, “because my girlfriend’s pregnant and we’re having a boy.”
Gulp. It was a funny question, but afterward he looked serious. I’ve known enough pregnant youth group kids to not be too shocked by that reality, but it’s not often that a student makes that part of their introduction. I think in response I said something like, “Wow, you have more than a few transitions coming up then, huh?” Tim soberly nodded his head, then his friend butted in and introduced himself. During my talk — based on making the transition to college — I tried to be more sensitive to those making other kinds of transitions, like to work or family responsibilities. I kept thinking about this guy who was going to exit high school and launch into fatherhood and wondering how it felt to be in the room with his college-bound friends launching into totally different freedoms.
Afterward Tim came up to me again, so I took the opportunity to ask more questions. I asked him when the baby was due. He smiled and said, “Oh, I was lying about that. I just wanted to see if you were a jerk. You’re not. Thanks for taking me seriously.”
Wow. At first I was a little ticked off at being so naïve. But then I realized that essentially, Tim was asking, “Can I trust you?” A test, or maybe a defense mechanism set up to block out adults who aren’t worth listening to. The joke was on me, but I passed that first test and he let me see a small part of his “real” world. A jerk of a dad is part of that picture. Of course he’d be suspicious of someone like me.
In nearly every interaction we have with teenagers we get some version of the “Can I trust you?” test. Sometimes it’s more obvious than others. Sometimes we never know it’s a test. What’s important is that we take it — and them — seriously. For kids who are dying to be heard, the test is one small way we can speak trust and gain an opportunity to listen. What an honor.
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